the (not so) mild days – the end

Day 18

Woke up at the alarm clock before 3am. Not the longest sleep as you can imagine.

There really wasn’t a lot of time. Most of the things were ready so it was mostly a matter of putting the very last things such as the pajamas into the bags, putting on outside clothes and leaving. The check-in process was done online the previous evening so I didn’t expect to need to do too much at the hotel entrance.

As I got there, a younger receptionist I haven’t seen the previous days was there, with basically no one else around (which makes sense). I said I’m checking out, he confirmed I did everything online. He was willing to help, I suppose I made it seem like I might need a ride to the airport/centre. Idk it was a bit of an awkward interaction but none of it was in bad faith or anything. In any case everything was fine and I walked towards the centre.

And I almost started crying already as I headed out. Now there really was no way back basically, and I was fully on the way to leave. It felt wrong to do this. My heart was aching and didn’t want to leave this place where it felt… at home.

Been getting teary eyed as I walked those streets in the night for one final time. I drank that Oatly chocolate drink as I walked. Very much empty streets. But as I got near the centre you could see people, and some drunk people even greeted me.

Got to the centre with a good amount of time in hand. A few other people waited there. A couple of young people were talking in English, one of them being a bit confused with timetables. Even I tried to help but was a bit useless. I drank the Alpro banana drink that I also had ready for these moments.

The bus arrived. Not much to say other than I was really not happy to be doing this particular ride. The last station was the airport. Not much was visible from the windows at this time. From what I gathered, at least two people on that bus seemed to be taking the same flights towards Cr*atia.

Entered the airport. It was hard, but I needed to focus on what is ahead, at least to get through security. I looked around the airport a bit, certainly at the panels to make sure the flight is shown. Quickly I was led towards security by a staff person after she asked if the bags I had with me are all I have and she confirmed it was fine to bring to the cabin.

And then the security process started. Someone in front of me also seemed to fly for the first time, and the woman working came across as extremely friendly to new people. I had the bag contents checked a bit more thoroughly. I had the Lithuanian cocoa put into a trash bag which probably looked unusual lol. The sun cream and hair gel were over the allowed limits and therefore confiscated. Otherwise everything was fine.

This fact didn’t make it feel any better, but this was my first time flying and going through airports and the security procedures. And clearing security was a very smooth and quick process. It was the part that felt the most intimidating even if I really didn’t have any reasons to worry about not clearing security. In any case, I thought that I could hardly have a better airport than Helsinki as my first flying experience, and nothing that happened through the day disproved that notion.

I had a bit of time so I sat down for an espresso. I also filled the water bottle. Didn’t really do a lot of walking around otherwise. After the espresso I went to the place for boarding the flight. As I waited I cried as discreetly as I could.

When sitting on the plane, one thing that perhaps surprised me was that the seatbelts weren’t more… Thorough than what they were. Someone got asked by a flight attendant if it was their first time flying to which they said no and I kinda expected they’d ask everyone that question, including me, but it didn’t happen. The safety procedure videos played and I hoped they won’t turn out to be needed. This might’ve been the first time I kinda realized that oh, this could potentially be a very dangerous thing I’m about to be doing.

The takeoff I guess gave reminders of being on a rollercoaster along with the feeling of pressure changes in the ears. My belly could feel the takeoff, not to the point of nausea but.. it wasn’t a comfortable feeling. Having my eyes focused in one place didn’t feel like the way to go in these moments. Then once the plane settled in it was smooth for the most part.

I didn’t make it easier for my emotions by playing songs like Aina, Don’t Wake Me Up by Tuuli, ofcourse Ylivoimainen. Was crying discreetly in the flight. The screens showed data like how many kms have been crossed, how many to go, what is the time, how long till the estimated arrival. And it showed a map that updated the progress of the flight. Very quickly we were already over the Baltics and then Poland and thoughts went to the wonderful days in all of these countries as well. And I missed those days too. Germany was technically a new country I’ve now gone through but it’s fair to say I’ve never been less excited and happy about crossing into a new country.

Had the experience of the airplane toilet as well and it was fine. Albeit there was a queue for it. At that time I also looked out of the window on the back side of the plane, getting a bit of a different perspective. One thing about the plane that was a surprise was that I was actually able to use the wifi seemingly without extra costs.

Soon enough the flight landed to Munchen. It arrived earlier than expected. I needed ways to cope with the fact the trip was ending and well this was technically Germany now. And I had a few hours to use. First, I did a bit of walking around, then sitting down and coming to terms with the fact that I did just go through my very first flight. It felt like something to be proud of myself for. I could even say it was a cool experience.

This was a layover before another shorter flight towards Cr*atia. Therefore it wasn’t all over still, technically… Not that this made it feel much better. What I definitely wanted to do in these few hours was to get something to eat and eventually I found the specific place I wanted where I got porridge with oat milk cappuccino. When researching I even considered going to a barber that is at the airport but I discovered that the prices were enormous and not worth it…

When I went to one of the stores I considered getting myself a Ritter Sport vegan mix but I ended up not doing it. But I did splurge on an airport priced Coca Cola cherry.

Otherwise most of the time was spent walking around, or sitting down and browsing at one of the many places to sit down. And there were plugs that I made use of.

As I got closer to the departure I could even see the flight on boards and therefore I could know where I need to go for boarding. Turns out that was in a different area to which I needed to get to by using a train, so I guess this was a free train ride, and the first German train ride experience.

When I got to the area I needed, I could hear Cr*atian speakers. After boarding it turned out we needed to take a bus towards the airplane which took a long time to get going and was pretty crowded. And in the plane itself it seemed to be tight on luggage space to fit in everybody. Much more than what it seemed on the Helsinki flight.

Helsinki was so far away now. What have I done?

This being central Europe it was noticeably more sunny and warm, but it was only gonna get worse. The second flight to Zagreb was quite short, not much time in-between the take-off and landing. Noticeably older plane without the nice screens or wifi. I also didn’t sit by the window this time. It kinda just sucked.

The plane landed in Zagreb… After entering the airport at first I just sat at a bench by the moving luggage and just stared at random points in sadness for like half an hour. I didn’t care about catching busses to the city centre. I wanted to just sit with the emotions, let myself feel them. Looked around that airport for the first time and it just felt so… meh.

I finally went near the exit of the airport. There it was just sitting at a bench some more till the cheap bus towards the city centre was supposed to come. Even just looking at that Serenade chocolate I still hadn’t eaten until that point made me teary eyed.

The bus came. Inside it I could hear some conversations that just felt immature. I was really not in a good mood. Profound sadness which when crossing back into this country actually became anger as well. The weather was once again that unbearable hot which I was so happy to be able to get away from.

Back in the city centre, I wanted to at least use this opportunity for one thing that could make me happy today. I went to a highly rated vegan restaurant which offered a burek, something I used to enjoy but was ofcourse impossible to find vegan. Unless you went to that restaurant I guess.

Along that I also had a soup and kombucha. And I enjoyed it. It did actually improve my mood, at least for a bit, at least for a while. I then went towards the train station, first to the nearby shopping centre to get a few things to eat, and then towards the train station to take the first of the two trains towards the city I lived in. I used my Stockmann bag for those small groceries…

A lot of the first train ride was spent on the phone. The second train was much less busy, and so loud it actually provided a nice setting for some more crying which I was doing while listening to music.

I was back. Not long afterwards the dusk was underway. One of the first things I did was just lay down in the living room bed.

My heart was wondering: what have I done? Why did I leave? Was there really no other way than to leave that place?

Finland was now so far away. As were the Baltics.